Part III - The cost of silence

There is a silence that is peaceful & then there is the silence that is painful.. 

It is obviously not a choice, it quietly settles into your bones, simply because your truth was never able to make it past your throat.

We don’t talk about this kind of silence often.

I know it wasn’t addressed by professionals with me back in the day.

It’s lightly touched on, in glittery posts with “speak your truth” written in calligraphy.

But in reality … it is a silence that changes us.

The one that comes with a high cost.

Knowing when or how to speak up, is where it gets tricky - based on the situation or scenario. 

There are so many times I didn’t say anything.

I couldn’t.

I wouldn’t.

I was sacred of the outcome.

After the sexual assault.

I was scared for my life.

After years in a relationship that looked good on the outside but quietly broke me from the inside.

I was scared no one would believe me. 

After being belittled by someone I loved while on their family trip.

I was scared to be abandoned again.

We betray ourselves at the cost of others. 

We think we are protecting them.

Keeping the peace. 

Giving them time to feel what they’ve done.

Sadly, over time, that silence & betrayal ends up being stored in the body.

It doesn’t disappear over time.

It lodges itself somewhere..

Have a jaw that aches when tense?

Or tight shoulders & a gut that doesn’t seem to settle?

I didn’t know it then, but I do now - years of silencing myself was being manifested physically.

From my gallstones, to my heart issues.. my research shows that it was quite possible my bodies way of trying to metabolise all the shit I never said.

The trauma. The anger. The grief.

Honestly? It tracks when I connect the dots. 

We talk a lot about disease.

But not enough about dis-ease & the chronic tension of a truth left unspoken.

Don’t even get me started on how it affects us mentally.. 

You replay the moment over and over.

What you should’ve said.

What they should’ve heard.

You start gaslighting yourself.

“Maybe it wasn’t that bad.”

“Maybe I misunderstood.”

“Maybe I’m just too sensitive.”

You begin to start shrinking, becoming smaller & then a shell of yourself. 

Not all at once, it happens slowly, bit by bit..

But the worst part for me was?

You start to think your voice isn’t trustworthy & that maybe silence is the safer option after all.

The body always knows.

Even when the mind doubts, even when the mouth stays shut, the body never forgets.

That’s why I keep up with my therapy!

People I trust to work with me, not against me. 

Then there is the Ocean: my keeper of all things.

It has been the main place where I would be able to hear myself again.

Where I could quite literally drown out the ‘shoulds’ and the shame.

Over time, it was where I allowed my real voice to rise.

My safe sacred space.

It still is 🧜🏻‍♀️ 

So how do you come back from silence?

For me, it wasn’t just about screaming from a mountaintop (although HIGHLY recommend.. 10/10 as an excellent release)

It was intentional. 

Slow.

Spiritual.

Not journaling. 

Not “find your voice” bootcamps.

It was 1:1 sessions.

Shadow work. Nervous system regulation.

Learning how to feel safe in my body again, because without that, no truth was ever going to make it out of me.

I would also write… letters, mini novels etc.. 

Putting words to a page like they were spells.

Letting my pen say what my mouth still couldn’t.

To those still silent - I hear you!

If you’re still holding it in & your body is screaming with what your voice can’t say - I feel you.

This blog isn’t here to push you.

It’s not here to tell you to speak before you’re ready.

It’s here to remind you:

Your truth hasn’t left you.

It’s waiting.

It’s patient.

It’s yours.

Allow it to rise when you are ready to face it. 

There is no rush. 

Remember:

The cost of silence isn’t always obvious.

Sometimes it takes years to realise how much you’ve paid out already, in health, in heartbreak, in self abandonment.

But I truly believe, that every truth we leave unspoken stays alive somewhere.

And when we’re ready, when we’re safe,

we get to bring it back.

Not for revenge.

Not to burn the past down.

But to finally hear our own voice echo through our body like it always should have & stand in our sovereignty once again. 

🔜 Next Up in This Series:

We’ve looked at the beauty and the shadow of speaking your truth.

We’ve honoured the silence.

Next, in Blog 4, we explore what happens after the truth is spoken:

Truth as Catalyst.

When truth changes relationships.

When it collapses old identities.

When it sets you free, but not without cost.

Because speaking your truth doesn’t just guarantee peace.

Sometimes it’s the beginning of the storm & sometimes… that is exactly what is needed.