You look fine!.. I’m not!
I am often met with statements like:
“You? No way. You’re always so happy.”
“But you’re living the dream life? What do you have to be depressed about?”
“You don’t know what how bad it can get…”
I’ve discovered that a lot of people who’ve said these things, were just projecting, but there are others who simply don’t understand!
All because I smile a lot.
Because I continue to function.
Because I still show up, do hard things, hold the space, post the content, keep the conversations going.
Because I laugh.
Because I get shit done.
Because I’m seen as strong & resilient.
When reality is a much different story!
Having strength & resilience, doesn’t negate the absence of uncertainty & pain.
It just camouflages it at times.
I feel the majority of people who make these statements have never experienced or witnessed high functioning anxiety & depression in full flight.
So this is what it looked/looks like for me:
• Smiling while your chest feels like it’s caving in
• Showing up for others when you feel like you’re disappearing inside
• Being “the strong one” because falling apart is not an option right now
• Crying in the carpark before work, events or heading home
• Overthinking EVERYTHING
• Apologising unnecessarily
• Forgetting to eat because the brain noise is too much
• Sleeping all day because your soul is tired
• Or… not sleeping at all, because the thoughts won’t shut the fuck up!
If you noticed that there’s some nervous system dysregulation in there, you’d be correct!
But that is what it is like - daily!
So we become really good at hiding it.
Showing you the “together” version.
The one that’s usually highly caffeinated, yet charismatic & beautifully kind.
We are the ones who are always ‘ok’.
Because that is less confronting & stops the questions we don’t know how to answer.
I should clarify here, for me personally, I was never taught to hide my feelings or cry behind closed doors.. It was just something I did!
It’s how I’ve always been.
As a kid, I’d get upset and go straight to my room.
Not to be dramatic. Not to shut the world out. Just because that’s where it felt safe to fall apart.
Even the grown ups would say, “She’ll cry, just not in front of people.”
Not because anyone forced it, it’s just how I was.
But that has shifted over time.
These days, I can show emotion.
I will cry in front of people.
I will be seen in the mess.
But when big things happen — grief, heartbreak, overwhelm — I still tend to go inward at first.
Not to avoid. Not to suppress. But to process.
To allow it to be, before I give it substance or try to rationalise it.
More times than not though, that silence is misread by others.. specifically in relationship.
But I’ve learned to speak to that too.
I try to say something like:
“Hey, I’m not shutting you out. I’m just sorting through this internally before I speak, so we can continue with clear, open & honest communication. I’ll come back to you (& name a timeframe - in an 1hr, 1 day etc), once I’ve allowed it to land a little for me.”
I’ve found there’s power in that pause & grace in not rushing a reaction.
While the self help books are all very helpful asking us to:
“Work on yourself.”
“Do breathwork.”
“Practice gratitude.”
“Go for a walk.”
“Do yoga.”
“Practice mindfulness.”
“Journal it.”
They don’t touch on the grief that lives in your bones.
They don’t hold you when you wake up wondering, Why the fuck am I still here?
They don’t tell you how to function while feeling fractured.
They don’t tell you how to explain the invisible.
They sure as hell don’t always help in how you communicate!
Is any of this sounding familiar?
I want you to know, you are not weak or too much or too emotional or too complicated for communicating in a way that doesn’t set off your anxiety & leave you falling into a space of depression.
You are living in a world that doesn’t fully understand sensitive, high performing souls who feel things like the weather in their bones.
You are doing the best you can & that is fucking heroic.
For me, learning to acknowledging what was happening with me helped.
Not to fix it. Not to cure it. Just to soften it.
It helped me let go of the shame.
Helped me stop pretending.
Helped me love the parts of me that don’t always feel strong, but are the fiercest parts of me.
Because I am a woman living with high functioning anxiety and depression, even though I have it under control now.. for the most part!
I am still me.
I am still here.
I am still showing up.
I am still smiling.
… & that?
That is enough for me.
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