The ‘Lonely Man Epidemic’ (& why I’d still pick the bear)

Ok friends… Settle in, pour yourself a coffee or a cheeky glass of wine and let’s talk about the bear in the room.

Yes, that bear.

The one women keep choosing over men in those viral polls and the one that’s got certain corners of the internet clutching their pearls.

There’s been a lot of noise lately about the so-called “lonely man epidemic” & sure some of that noise is real grief, genuine heartbreak and the ache of isolation.

But if we’re being honest, a good chunk of it smells less like sorrow and more like entitlement gift wrapped in influencer friendly “sad boy” aesthetics.

Or maybe it’s not grief at all.

Maybe it’s “you owe me” energy, aimed squarely at women.

Look, I’m not here to cancel every man.

I’m here to call out patterns, name the research, and unpack why so many women are done - done - with half assed, conditional kindness. Because this backlash from some men?

It’s starting to look a hell of a lot like resentment, rage and in too many cases… violence.

The bear test (yep, that one).

Remember the viral “man vs bear” internet meltdown? The one that sent comment sections into a spiral?

Most women picked the bear, not because we’ve all got some secret hairy chest fetish, but because a bear is refreshingly, almost comfortingly, predictable.

It is unapologetically honest about what it is, who it is and exactly how dangerous it can be.

With a bear, you know the rules. You know the stakes.

A bear isn’t going to tell you you’re a “queen” on Tuesday, then by Friday night — three drinks in and one “no” later — decide you’re a “slut” who deserves to be torn down.

With too many men, kindness comes with conditions. It’s almost a performance. Sometimes it’s even a weapon. That unpredictability is the problem and honestly? It’s fucking exhausting to navigate.

Personal truth? I don’t have a “man who surprised me” story. I wish I did.

I was with someone for years before the mask slipped. That warm to cruel switch, the one that leaves you blinking in shock, asking “What the actual fuck just happened?”, is exactly the kind of unpredictability women are talking about when we say we’d rather take our chances with the bear.

Some serious facts!

Before we go any further, I want to get a little serious for a minute.

This isn’t just about feelings and funny memes.

There are brutal, measurable outcomes when entitlement, emotional illiteracy and macho silence collide.

• Suicide: Around three quarters of people who die by suicide in Australia are men.

Suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians aged 15–44 & men make up a very large share of those fatalities.

This isn’t just a talking point — it’s become a crisis in male mental health and help avoidance.

• Intimate partner homicide and domestic violence: Most intimate partner homicides involve male perpetrators and female victims.

In recent reporting, Australia’s data shows that a woman is killed by an intimate partner on average every 8–9 days (these figures update year to year). The majority of those who kill a female intimate partner had been the primary abuser beforehand. Those are not just numbers, we are talking about innocent lives!

• Prevalence of violence: Large scale surveys and government research consistently show women are more likely than men to experience sexual violence, harassment & violence from someone they know. The overwhelming pattern in recorded family violence incidents shows male perpetrated violence as the dominant story.

• Help seeking: Men are significantly less likely than women to seek help for mental health problems. Fewer men engage with mental health services & many hide their distress until it becomes critical. That culture of “man up, boys don’t cry” is costing lives.

If your first instinct is still to yell “not all men,” I hear you. But this isn’t an argument about whether any individual man is kind or decent.

It’s an argument about systemic patterns: who most often causes harm, who benefits from silence and who inherits power structures that excuse behaviour.

Lets look at “Not all men” and why that dodge is so exhausting.

“Not all men.” Yeah, it’s true.

But too often, it’s wielded like a shiny shield to shut down the conversation before it even starts.

The better question isn’t whether every single man is a problem — it’s: Are you, or the men around you, doing anything real to stop harm? Because most men aren’t the direct perpetrators, sure.

But they’re the ones who laugh it off, look the other way, defend their mate’s shitty behaviour, or shrug it off as just “boys being boys”.

Newsflash: if you’re cheering from the sidelines or silent, you’re not acting like a man, you’re acting like a bystander enabling the problem.

Bystander silence? That’s permission.

Saying “not all men” while doing zero to change the scene? C’mon, you can see it, right?!

That said, yes, there are brilliant, wonderful, brave men out there.

The ones who show up, call out abuse, raise kids with tenderness and actually do the messy work of self reflection and growth.

I like to think I raised two boys of this calibre.

But the ecosystem that keeps violent, entitled behaviour alive and well?

It’s still rooted in male power and unchecked norms & until we all call it out, that ecosystem keeps feeding the problem.

Lonely, entitled or grieving? Sometimes all three.

Let’s get real. Some men are genuinely lonely, lost and hurting.

They were handed stoicism like it was a suit of armour; don’t cry, don’t ask for help, just tough it out.

So what do they do? They posture, acting wounded, but still expect women to be their emotional paramedics.

Men die alone in ways that break my fucking heart, because our society never taught them emotional literacy, never gave them permission to be tender without shame.

But grief and loneliness are not excuses for cruelty.

When coping means domination, gaslighting, or blaming women for their own disconnection; that’s not pain, that’s harm in disguise.

I’ve lived through this, more times than I can count.

I thought I could fix them, save them, be the light in their dark.

Turns out, trying to be the repair person just added more cracks to the whole damn thing & sent me down a bigger spiral of repair.

Spiritual bros, guru culture and the fake woke brigade.

Ugh. The spiritual bros.

You know the type; soft lighting, linen shirts, those endless “shadow work” captions that make you want to gag and zero actual accountability.

They’ll sell you breathwork, crystals and an Instagram friendly “awakening” like it’s the cure to all your problems… all while treating real human relationships like a game of chess where they’re always one move ahead.

The wellness industry currently has a massive blind spot. It’s built to monetise spirituality without ever interrogating power.

Spoiler alert: spirituality without ethics is just optics. Pretty packaging with a rotten core.

This fake woke brigade is a symptom, not a cure, of the lonely man epidemic.

They offer easy answers and vague platitudes, but when push comes to shove, it’s the same old patterns of entitlement and emotional immaturity dressed up in hemp and sage.

The intersectional heartbreak.

Don’t let stats flatten our lived reality.

Indigenous women, disabled women, queer women, women of colour - the violence rates aren’t just a little higher for them, they’re through the roof.

These women aren’t just dealing with misogyny; they’re navigating racism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, classism, often all at once.

That’s not “a bit harder.”

That’s a different battlefield entirely.

Yet the same systems that cushion and protect entitled men - the old boys’ clubs, the “nah mate, he’s a good bloke” excuses, the police reports that go nowhere - these are the same systems that double down on harming marginalised women.

When you choose your feminism based on what’s convenient, when you only show up for issues that personally impact you or don’t make you uncomfortable; that’s not doing the work, it’s PR!

Intersectionality is not a byproduct, it’s the main damn game.

If your “support for women” excludes the women most at risk, you’re not just missing the point, you arethe point & part of the problem we’re trying to fix.

What we actually want (and what scares some men).

Women aren’t asking for worship, we’re not looking for someone to build us shrines or write ballads about our hair (although, a well written ballad wouldn’t kill you, would it?).

We’re asking for partnership.

Real, messy, unsexy at times partnership.

The kind where you:

• Actually listen instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.

• Can admit when you’re wrong without treating it like a full scale ego death.

• Sit with discomfort instead of storming off or emotionally ghosting until the problem magically disappears.

• Stop outsourcing your emotional labour to the nearest woman in the room.

• Call your mates out when they’re being creeps, instead of laughing along like a 14 year old boy at a bus stop.

• Stand with us in the trenches of life, meeting our edges together, in companionship, not competition.

Yes, that’s way more than the old script demanded of you.

You know the one.. the script where men got the authority, the praise & the final say without lifting a finger.

But what men continued to overlook, is that women weren’t taking away men’s value. They were taking away the unchecked control. There’s a big difference.

Losing value? That’s tragic.

Losing control you never should’ve had in the first place?

Isn’t that.. justice?!

What actually helps, in a practical non preachy way.

Attn: the male species.

If you’re here to change, here’s the short list & no spiritual bypassing allowed - ok?

For men who want to show up:

• Get honest therapy.

Do the boring, uncomfortable work.

Emotions are skills - practise them.

• Learn to be a real bystander.

Name it when you see it.

Don’t cheer when a mate “gets” a woman.

Call out the bullshit.

• Join accountability groups: community men’s groups, mensheds, or trauma informed programs that push growth over performative toughness.

• Stop using “not all men” as an emotional get out of jail clause.

Use it and then ask, “How do I make this better?”

Now for the women who may need some encouragement realising boundaries are about self care, not weaponry.

• Keep the lines clear.

Say no without over explaining.

You don’t need to be everyone’s emotional parking lot.

• Surround yourself with allies, not people who gaslight you into doubt.

• Hold your stories, protect yourself & keep choosing who you let in.

For all of us:

• Teach emotional literacy to the next generation.

That means modelling it ourselves.

It’s drip fed medicine and it works.

The thing I’ll say without apology

Not all women are saints, let’s get that out of the way.

We have our share of bad apples, drama queens and straight up abusers.

But the difference is, statistically, we are not the majority problem and for the most part, women have evolved.

We are sharper.

We are hungrier for authenticity.

We are far less interested in being some man’s decorative side piece and even less interested in playing the supporting role in our own damn lives.

Growth itself isn’t the problem here.

The problem is the tantrum some men throw when faced with that growth.

That digging in of heels, clutching at outdated power like it’s a fucking life raft instead of an anchor.

Men who cannot adapt aren’t being “left behind” like helpless victims of progress, they are actively choosing to stay in a role that doesn’t fit the world anymore.

It’s not that they can’t change, they absolutely can & many will.

But it’s a choice that requires work, the kind of uncomfortable, ego stripping work that separates the grown ups from the man children.

Until that choice is made?

Yeah… I’m still picking the bear.

Because at least a bear is honest about its hunger. You see a bear coming, you know exactly where you stand.

It’s the men who smile sweetly one day and tear you apart the next that keep the emergency exits well within my peripheral vision.

My Final Word…

This is messy as hell.

It’s personal.

It’s political.

It’s everything in between.

We can mourn the loneliness that quietly kills men, the silent battles fought in rooms no one sees andbe furious about the violence that shatters and takes women’s lives.

They coexist because humans are complicated creatures tangled up in systems that are profoundly & historically deeply fucked.

If you’re a man reading this and you really want to show up differently, not for clout or to dodge criticism, but to actually be better; here’s your roadmap.. learn, listen, get help and for fuck’s sake, call out the bullshit when you see it.

No more standing on the sidelines with your arms crossed, pretending you’re not part of the problem.

If you’re a woman reading this, keep surviving, keep sharpening your boundaries like a finely honed blade.

The world desperately needs us to rise up, share our wisdom and reclaim our authority that history tried so damn hard to suppress.

Because evolution isn’t optional.

It’s survival … and it’s damn overdue.

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📚 Sources to Credit

Life in Mind Australia – Men as a priority population in suicide prevention

https://lifeinmind.org.au/suicide-prevention/priority-populations/men

Lifeline Australia – Data and statistics

https://www.lifeline.org.au/resources/data-and-statistics/

Our Watch – Quick facts on violence against women